It has been a while since I last blogged. Today, I decided to fight off my procrastination of 4 years to finally start typing off my thoughts and life here.
What has happened thus far? A quick summary:
- I spent 2 years trying to get my dad to walk. I stopped work and spent time taking my dad to the rehab hospital for physiotherapy and all I wanted is to get him to walk again. What did I learn from my enthusiasm and positiveness? You can’t help anyone who don’t want to help themselves
- I have been suffering from severe depression. I can’t afford treatment, so just relying on breathing exercises ,incessant crying to God and getting angry all the time
- Finances are tight and I took loans thinking that it can help us ( with the blessings of the husband who promised to make monthly payments) , only to dive deeper to a hole that I can’t crawl out off ( he didn’t contribute anything in the end except an empty promise)
- I realized what my passion is…teaching. I made income teaching tuition and it is the best thing that ever happened to me. Instant happiness. Just pure joy.Meaningful.
- My husband lost his job in October 2016 which sprung me into action to get a job ASAP. In the span of 4 years, he has worked in 3 places. I don’t know what kind of luck he has with keeping a job. Why in the world a well educated man like him go through hell, I can never explain. He is still unemployed 18 months later. Slowly, my trust in him being my knight in shining armour, fades away.
- I started working Jan 2017 in an MNC. Perhaps, God heard me and pressed the reset button in my life. Had a hard time adjusting to my working environment. For an American MNC, it is a very racist and negative environment to be in. I miss my former alma mater however, beauty of living is to adjust with changes. Adjust I did. Survived it till now and was promoted up in less than 1 year. Very grateful to God for showing me that I can triumph and rise above the ashes.
- I still teach over the weekends so that we can manage the finances…wait correction, so that I can manage the finances.
- No children as of yet. Why? This marriage has yet to be consummated.My partner may claim that he loves children but he has no interest in making any of his own. This marriage seems to be some sort of vow of celibacy for me. Years later, I am so used to this celibacy that I have no interest in him. I am now 43 years and no kids.
- I have gained 20 kgs from the time of marriage until now. 90kgs ! The heaviest ever. It has taken a toll on my health. My ankle swells and my whole body hurts. I have no money to see a Dr. I have to fake it to keep going.
- I haven’t gone for a holiday for a long while. My idea of a holiday at the moment is to rot at home. Being married to my hubby who starts calculating everything to dampen my mood, raises my blood pressure constantly.
- Frisky, my love of 12 years, my cat went to be with amma (mom) on the 14th of November 2017. As he breathe his last in my arms ( after suffering a kidney failure), I felt my heart ripped out and the pain is still there. I know, for one thing, he is with mom , happy over the rainbow bridge.
- Remember my depression? Still there….much worse….still faking it to make it out there in the world.
In all these years, beyond the darkness and negative overtones, one thing I know for sure, God is watching me and guiding my steps no matter what’s the situation. At times, I swear that I can hear an audible voice saying, ” Have faith, my child”. The warm feeling I get when I hear it, I am convinced that its from the BIG BOSS way up there. I am grateful to HIM because without HIM, I am nothing.