How are you? How’s Frisky? Is Brownie with you? Hope all of you are at peace with God.
I am going through the motions of life after your departure and it has been a daily struggle to get through each day. Each day passes so fast and so many things have happened to me which elevated us and brought us out to a new level. Its been 1.5 years now that we have moved from our previous home. God has been kind to find us a place to stay and the required funds to move. I am sure you are seeing all this from where you are. Thank you Amma for your constant prayers and for looking out for us.
I have just left my job and joined a new place. I don’t know if I made the right choice. In my heart, the former establishment is still in my heart. Maybe not the nutrition division but other divisions. Whatever said and done, I have a job which pays the bills for that I am grateful. The new place is ok, its relatively new so everything needs to be done from scratch. I am privileged to be able to assist my boss who has been a kind friend to me throughout the years. I still have an emptiness inside. A loneliness which I can’t figure out what it is. I do not have friends in this new place. It is coming to 3 months and nothing. I try to adjust but I can’t seem to do so. Everything I say or do seem wrong. I now say nothing to anyone and just speak if required. That was your nagging advise to me before, remember? 🙂 Finally, I listen to you.
The personal front, I feel lonelier. Without you, amma, I have no one. My entire life has always revolved around you. That’s why I used to be furious with you when you rather sacrifice everything for papa and not be with me. I was jealous. If you and papa moved with me to Melaka, years ago, everything would have been fantastic. I miss having a true family with me. Yes, I miss my home cooked meals ( your cooking) especially your chicken curry! 🙂 Thinking of it makes my mouth drool.
A thought hit me recently, more a realization of the time that has passed from 2014 until present and where I am in my marriage and self realization. I will be 44 this year and no children. Amma, nothing has happened. I bring up the topic of adoption and it has fallen into deaf ears due to current circumstances. That’s not the reason why you wanted me to get married. You wanted me to build my own life and family ( kids) . It is not going to happen, that’s what I realized. When you were 44, I was a 14 year old girl. What a change for me! Amma, I feel like a huge failure in my life. At least , if this was a trade off for a lustrous career, then it would be understandable. It isn’t so. I am neither successful in my career path nor in my personal life. I feel very tired Amma. I have failed you, Amma. I am sorry. I am just useless.
I had wasted so much time yearning for other’s acceptance of me, their approval of me. So much so that I have been a doormat for many. You and papa tried telling me before but I never listened to both of you. I sacrificed my time for people who don’t exist anymore in my life after you left. I regret it the most. I still have that “disease” to be a YES person even though I don’t want to. I realized the reason and I find saying NO is a difficult thing to do. I am so afraid of people not liking me. I just want to belong somewhere, to have a sense of belonging. Thus far, I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. Even my in laws ( except my father in law) still can’t accept me as part of the family.
I never had a wedding (sacrament of matrimony) , all that dream that I had, flushed down the toilet. Now, I will NEVER be a mother to a human child, thanks to circumstances. No amount of money will ever buy me this Amma. I have no one apart from papa, hubby and the 2 cats. After they all leave me one day, what am I to do? I am afraid of being alone , Amma. That was your biggest fear for me and it is coming true. I wasted a truly beautiful life , God gave me , Amma. I am crushed internally and I can’t stop crying for what a failure that I have been.
I am sorry Amma for failing you. Please pray for me and look out for me. I need you, Amma. I really wish that I can talk to you face to face. I miss you so much.
Take care and please hug Frisky and Brownie for me.
Your loving daughter,