I finally went to visit papa today. He had a smile on his face when he saw my car pull up to the driveway. He was happy and relieved to see me as he had not seen me in 2 weeks.
I couldn’t find it in my heart to go and see him after knowing what I know. I feel dead inside, I wish I could say that I was furious…but I can’t. It feels like a volcano that’s internally exploding. I really don’t know how to express it any other way.
We spoke about the trip that we took to Kuantan. Papa was reminiscing about the times that his parents would take them to the beach on Sundays for a picnic. What fun times they had as kids. He just wanted to know if I had shown Vicky his old school, his old parish, St Thomas Church. Told him that I didn’t but only to the beach. Funny, in all of my growing up years, I don’t remember us ever going for a picnic ever at all. Anyways, some things in life, once its gone, it is gone. Right , Amma?
I brought up the conversation that I had with Aunty Saras. Secretly, hoping that there’s just a small chance that it was all a misunderstanding. He never said a thing. Not even deny it or get angry with me. Nothing. Instead, he decided to divert my attention to other topics. I looked at his face and it was a face of guilt. A face of remorse. I looked at him and slowly told him, ” Amma, told me everything but I didn’t believe her. Now, I know it is true. Amma forgives you for everything. I forgive you for everything too. What happened I don’t want and don’t need to know. It is now between you and God. ” With that, I closed the topic. He still didn’t say anything except to nod in agreement.
We changed the topic to Vicky’s work and on the cats. After a while, we left back home. During the drive home, my thoughts circled on my one glimmer of hope that shattered. “He is guilty as hell!” This echoed continuously in my head. I can’t change the past and he is now in his twilight years. Has my life and all that I known been a lie ? I just can’t explain the deep darkness in my soul. Nothing is true anymore.My rainbow glasses taken off and I see the reality. I hate it.
” Heavenly Father, help me!” I just feel like screaming. I feel so alone and scared. What karma am I facing? What do I do , Amma? How do I move forward? It must have been worse for you. I now understand why you kept saying that you are still alive and kicking because of me. I was your motivation to keep going on.
I am so sorry for being such a terrible daughter to you. Forgive me , Amma. I always sided with papa for everything , being a daddy’s girl. Oh! How much I must have hurt your feelings, Amma. I am so sorry for being such an idiot.
Thank you Amma for everything that you have done for me and for your unconditional love
Missing you dearly.
Your loving daughter,